The Confessions of a Chilton Schoogirl
by Despondency Sisters
Summary: A look into a crisis in Madeline's life...
1. Default Chapter

The True Thoughts of a Chilton Schoolgirl  
  
by Despondency_Sisters  
  
a/n: This was written by Despondency Sister Number 2( glitter_girl0058). These are clips from Madeline's journal, which  
the Despondency Sisters stole from her while she was powdering her nose....  
  
  
January 14th  
  
  
My party was last night. It was terrific, and Louise and I hung out with these two AMAZING guys, Brett and  
Josh. The pains of friendship and broken hearts just disappeared when we laughed together. I am so truly happy. After leaving  
Paris as the "French Soda Monitor" ( She had lots of fun), two crashers came up to me, and asked for Madeline. You  
do not know the thrill of being able to say, "Oh that's me." And how their faces were lit up by that smile. I even forgot  
about all the stress and pressure and the urge to take a gun... forget it. That's gone now.  
And when I say amazing, it sure was...  
  
  
March 18th  
  
Sorry I've been so busy lately. But Brett is so great and I've been so caught up in him... Its terrific, the way  
he looks at me, and its like I can't even hear Louise's annoying voice! Josh and Louise are also hitting it off too. But oh- I think  
I'm falling in love. Really. I've never felt like this before and no one can make my knees liquid like Brett can. He's got a  
Mustang, and he's ALWAYS telling me how the blue color matches my eyes. I think he's the one...  
  
March 20th  
  
I had to break a date with Brett because I felt queasy and nauseous today. I threw up in the morning and  
went to the doctor. He didn't seem to care. Maybe I'm pregnant... by Brett? Could be. But that's a nasty thought, even more  
nasty than me throwing up my breakfast. What if I am? What would happen? My whole world crashing down comes to mind.  
I mean, I've got the perfect life. Or do I? That's what everyone always tells me. But then again, nothing ever is what it seems.  
Never has that been more true in my life.  
  
March 25th  
  
Louise and I just bought a pregnancy test. I'm standing in the bathroom, about to know my fate  
for the rest of my life, and all I can do is sit on the fuzzy toilet seat in my room and write in my journal. "Well?" an anxious  
Louise calls from the other side of the door.   
  
"Um, doesn't it say I have to wait a minute?"  
  
"Thirty seconds." She replied, probably impatient. She's like that. I even get the illusion that- no I know that she  
doesn't care about me. Not at all. I'm just a little popularity nub in her life, like she is in mine. We haven't even the  
slightest liking of each other. The irony of it all. Sometimes I wonder why we're even friends. Sometimes I wonder why  
I mess up my life by hanging out with people who annoy the heck out of me or rebelling when all I want to be is an angel.  
  
But I tell myself, "No, Madeline. You've got the perfect life, remember?" Yeah right. I'm not perfect nor do I   
want to be. At first, it was juvenile, 6th grade anger about how no one seems to care. Now, it seems like its more and more  
devastating. Like a horrible disease, ready, but not quite about to, take its toll. Forever.  
  
I'm looking at the test. No....  
  
And I've done this really stupid thing, and if I hadn't done it...  
  
If. If... If I hadn't done it,. I wouldn't be scared of facing the cruel, cruel world of people who pretend to care,  
but don't. Who'll pretend to be disappointed and angry, but just use it as an excuse to throw me out of their lives forever and  
lock me up in a tower, so no one can ever see me again.  
  
And if.. If I hadn't fallen for Brett, would I be scared that he might turn on his heel and leave me behind if our  
child is growing in my belly? Would I be scared that he doesn't love me and never did? Would I be scared that he'll just  
wipe my existence out of his life forever?  
  
But if... If someone cared, then I wouldn't be scared. I wouldn't be scared of the tiny being in my stomach.  
But if someone cared, they'd be in this bathroom, right here crying with me. They'd be by my side when I was puking.   
They'd rush out to the supermarket and buy anything I craved. They'd prop the pillow up when my ankles get swollen.  
  
But no one's here. Figures.   
  
I'm going to stand up and throw this stupid test out. I'm going to get off my butt and stop feeling sorry for  
myself. I'm going to go out there and I'm not going to waver until I know for sure... if my life is going to be ruined or not.  
  
  
April 3rd  
  
I haven't gone to school all week. Not me. I'm afraid someone's going to notice I've been gaining weight. I tell my  
mom, "Its just my stomach." She goes away, and doesn't bother me anymore. I'm not lying to her. It IS my stomach, just  
in a more intense meaning than ever before.   
  
The only person who knows is Louise. As soon as I walked out of the bathroom, she knew. She knows me   
too well. Much too well. I'm afraid she's going to...  
  
Is my whole life going to be: "I'm afraid!"?  
  
That's what I'm afraid of.  
  
  
April 5th  
  
Desperation's taking over me. Louise comes after school every day and pounds on my door. "You have to see  
a doctor!"  
  
"Shut up! My mom might hear you!" I hiss at her.  
  
Silence. Footsteps going down the steps and through the door. I hear her saying daintily, "Bye Mrs. Lowell!"   
as if everything's just like it used to be.  
  
Maybe's she right. Should I see a doctor? Look on the bright side. A blue-eyed baby might not be growing in my  
stomach right now, and the doctor might confirm it. I wish.  
  
  
April 6th  
  
Mother made me go to school today. No use. I cut all of my classes and sobbed in the bathroom all morning.  
Then, Brett was there when I heard the final bell ring and stepped out of the building. "Baby, what's wrong? You haven't  
called all week!" he says. I ignore him, but he pulled me into the car.  
  
"Something's wrong." he said.  
  
"You're a smart one." I answered sarcastically.  
  
"Look, just tell me." he persisted.  
  
I didn't know what to tell him. So I lied. The one person who could have helped me- I lied to.  
  
"My parents don't want us to see each other anymore."   
  
"Oh."  
  
So I left his car.  
  
And then I was truly alone.  
  
  
April 7th  
  
Louise keeps bothering me in school. She wants me to see a doctor. Should I? Could be a good idea. But what  
if- and I know I am, the doctor says I'm pregnant? He'd tell my mom, being the old-fashioned person he is.   
  
I realize that my feelings don't matter much, as if my heart is cold, and it keeps on numbing. Pretty soon, it'll  
be frozen. Louise tells me to see a doctor so I'll stop moping around and so my mom or Brett will take care of me, so  
she won't have to. She keeps pestering me, but she doesn't really care. Not once has she asked me, " Are you OK?" or   
"Are you feeling well?". Never.  
  
I've got no friends. I thought I had a life. But sometimes lives deceive us like mine has deceived me. I find myself  
constantly saying, silently, "Sorry, I forgot to run a brush through my hair or put on mascara and lip gloss today!!! That's  
ok, you don't have to talk to me when I look like crap, but maybe that's because you're not pregnant and I am."  
  
So now you know what my life is like. Paris doesn't even care. So I haven't been 'Miss Nice' to her since the  
beginning of sophomore year, but- shouldn't she care, just a little bit? She hasn't even sent a disgusted look my way since  
my party. I thought then, "It'll be the day when I plead silently for Paris to pay attention to me." Now all she does is hang  
out with Rory Gilmore. Its more like they bicker and have fun. I want that. I want to pretend to fight and laugh and have  
fun some more. I want to be a teenager, I have a right to be. I want everything to be normal. But its not. And it won't ever  
be.  
  
  
April 9th  
  
Somehow Rory knows. What is she, the Ann Landers of Chilton? Everyone goes to her with their problems.  
I guess Louise is just like the others... Paris, Tristan, everyone... when in need of a friend, call Rory Gilmore! How filthy  
and cheesy. But I'm jealous. And the jealousy burns inside of me like a flame that no longer needs anyone or anything to  
get bigger and to burn down everything. I'm jealous that she has everything and I have nothing.  
  
So guess what? Rory wants me to go to the doctor too. I acted seriously bitchy but all she said was, "Its a   
women's clinic."  
  
"So?" I had asked.  
  
"There's going to be teenage girls all over the place. And no one has to know."  
  
"Really." It was a statement, not a question.  
  
"Yes, really." she said earnestly. "I'll come with you." she offered.  
  
Now I know why Rory's Messiah of Chilton. She's willing to take everyone in need under her wing, tend  
to our pains and wounds and hurts, inside or out, and let us fly off, freely-never to talk to us again. Which is a good thing.  
Some proud people... don't want to accept what's happened, or else they're just too embarassed, knowing they'll never  
be able to repay her.  
  
I'm afraid of being one of those people.  
  
  
April 10th  
  
We're going in today. I told my mom I was hanging out with Louise and she believed me. Shows how much she  
knows or cares about me. But then again, I don't know much about myself either. All I know is that I'm deathly nervous.  
  
  
April 11th  
  
" I have never felt such misery as this." or something like that from English class. It doesn't matter now because  
I'm being forced to drop out of school.  
  
"You have an alternative." the doctor told me. "If you don't want to keep this baby, you may put it up for  
adoption or abort it."  
  
"Either way, you have to tell your mother and Brett." Rory put in.  
  
"Brett's gone. He left."  
  
"They're all like that." the doctor said. "But you have to tell him. He might want the baby."  
  
"But I don't want the baby! I don't want to give birth! I wish this never happened!"  
  
And that's truly how I feel.  
  
  
April 12th  
  
I've decided to tell my mother and Brett. Rory's coming for both of them. She's being a comforting mother, more  
than a friend. So I'm going to tell them... and then abort this baby.  
  
  
~To Be Continued~  
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Any suggestions, ideas? Despondency Sister 2 might not continue, but it all depends on the number of reviews. 


	2. Part 2: Incomplete

The True Thoughts of a Chilton Schoolgirl  
  
by Despondency Sisters  
  
Author's Note: This, too, was written by Despondency Sister #2 (glitter_girl0058). It's from Madeline's journal, and  
obviously, her POV. Once again, we remind you to please read and review with suggestions or flames!!  
  
  
April 13th  
11:30 PM  
  
I can't sleep right now. I have to write down everything that happened today before I forget the horrible-ness  
of it all. Although, I don't know what I was expecting- but its much worse...  
  
It was my idea to have both Brett and Mother there. Rory asked about my father. He's away on business, I told  
her. And he is... It's just he hasn't come back from "business" in 5 years. I guess I wanted the two of them there together  
because of my wimpiness. Because I didn't want to say it twice, three times. I wanted to confess what was happening to  
me and just get it over with. That's how scared and alone I am. But Rory did offer to come. I'm grateful for that.  
  
She came two hours before the time I told Brett to come over. Rory wanted to coach me in what to say  
and how to act. But she couldn't, because I broke down and started sobbing hysterically. Talk about making a fool  
out of myself. But somehow, I didn't mind as much that I was having a breakdown in front of Rory. Certainly better  
than Paris or Louise. I just wouldn't stop crying. I hadn't cried much- not at all, in fact- since that dreadful day in the  
doctor's office or in the bathroom with Louise outside. Rory tried to calm me down with the story of her mother.  
  
"You've got to know my grandmother, Emily Gilmore, and my grandfather, Richard Gilmore. They're an  
established, high class family, with an old-fashioned way of thinking, impeccable manners, and never even dreaming  
of doing anything out of line. I guess that's why my mom was so wild... She was the exact opposite of her mother, a sense  
of humor, sarcasm to the breaking point,- My dad says she's got a very annoying quick mind with verbal comebacks,  
lovable, oblivious to the real world. It was all these things that got her pregnant. I suppose it was the rebel side of her.  
I don't really understand my mother's behavior when she was our age."  
  
I had to interrupt at his point. "But you know her well now."  
  
"Yeah, I do."  
  
"You're so lucky." I had stopped crying and swept the growing pile of Kleenex's off my bed and into the  
garbage can.  
  
"But at least you know where your dad is." she protested.  
  
"Don't you?"  
  
"Not really." she answered.  
  
There was a silence.  
  
"Tell me the rest." I had pushed.  
  
"There was a guy. And he was hanging around. Christopher Haten, straight A student, son of the wealthy,  
precocious Francine and Straub. He dated my mom throughout sophomore year. Even Grandma and Grandpa approved.  
But it still happened. They still slept together and they still had me. You don't know what happened in my family. Everything,  
every little feeling, anger or happiness or dislike, all bottled up- it just exploded. It was an endless war between my   
parents and their families. That was the outside arguments. The inside argument was between the mother and father-to-be.  
He asked her to marry him. But she said no."  
  
"Wow."  
  
"Yeah." she had answered.  
  
"What if Brett-"  
  
"Asks you to marry him?" finished Rory.  
  
I was speechless. No one had ever read my mind before. I don't know- I had a feeling that Rory was going to  
make a colossal impact on my life.  
  
By then, the two hours were over.  
  
Ding-dong. The doorbell that had been ringing non-stop all my life had been a symbol of home, cheerfulness,  
and eternal bliss. Now it was frightening and made me feel so vulnerable. Knowing that who stood on the other side  
of the door, and what I had to do didn't help either.  
  
Rory's face was grim as she stood up. "Better go get that." She walked out and left me in the security of my  
own world. Rory was walking out into the cold, real world, ready to acknowledge my fate.  
  
"You must be Brett." I heard her say, pleasantly, and I imagined her in my mind, shaking his hand, smiling  
warmly, giving him no indication about what was going to happen.  
  
I heard my mother's high heels clip clop into the living room, and her shrill voice saying, "So what is going on?"  
  
Rory answered, "I'll go get Madeline."   
  
I got up, reluctantly, and I received and returned Rory's reassuring smile.   
  
When I arrived in the living room, Brett was sitting on my father's chair, and Mother was sitting on the couch.  
I sat next to Rory on the loveseat, and she nodded.  
  
"So what is this important thing you had to talk to me about?" asked my mother, staring at her watch simultaneously.  
  
"Yeah. I'm dying to know." put in Brett.  
  
"Well, Mom, Brett. I wanted you to know before you heard from anyone else."  
  
They just looked at me.  
  
I let out a deep breath and placed my hand on my belly.  
  
"Remember.... at the party?"  
  
  
April 14th  
  
I had to stop last night, because I began to weep again, and my salty tears would have smeared the ink and messed  
up the perfect paper in my diary.  
  
Well, starting where I left off....  
  
  
"So you're pregnant." my mother said with finality. I had expected her to go into a fit of rage and anger and misunderstanding  
any second.   
  
"And I'm the father." said Brett.  
  
I could see his bewilderment in his eyes, the ones I had loved so much.  
  
My hands were clenched, and I noticed I had been twisting and squeezing them nervously the entire time I had  
been explaining.  
  
Rory was mediator. "The important thing is, what are we going to do?"  
  
"Marry me." said Brett. "I don't have a diamond ring, or the will to get down on my knees, but for the sake of  
our baby- be my wife."  
  
"No, Madeline. I won't let you drop out of school." My mother said, adamant, and standing up.  
  
"Mother." I protested.  
  
"Nor am I going to allow you to marry-" she searched for the right word. "-this man." she finished lamely.  
  
"Then what about this baby?"  
  
"Get rid of it." my mother commanded sternly.  
  
"That's what I wanted to do, before, but now- I love this baby. And I love-" I paused.  
  
"I love you too." said Brett.  
  
"Love?" my mother spat, as if it was the worst thing possible. As if it had once been something in her life, then  
disappeared as quickly as a wisp of wind in the air. "You don't know what love is." she had continued. "And I don't care  
about your feelings for this boy or this baby. You are getting rid of both."  
  
The tears are flooding again. Sorry, diary.  
  
  
May 5th  
  
Wouldn't I know it- a month goes by very slowly. My mother's doctor personally "did the honors" of ruining  
my life himself. Its funny, how I thought this baby was going to ruin my life, but instead its artificial death did exactly that-  
took a part of my soul up to heaven, and when the baby died- I did too.  
  
Turns out my mother does know where my father is. A check came in the mail made out to Brett Ripot just  
yesterday. $10,00 for dear old Brett to leave town and leave "his little girl" alone. That's a direct quote. "His little girl".  
Ha! That's the closest I've ever gotten to laughing since the needle...  
  
You know, sometimes I feel relieved that this is over and done with. I mean, this is what I wanted, wasn't it?  
To be a teenager again? To laugh with my friends again? To squeal over a cute guy? To sing over the sound of the radio?  
I thought I would have all these things again. But that's not possible. I'll never be a teenager again.  
  
~The End~ 


End file.
